You Know You Coach A Tier-2 Sport If...

Longtime Fresno State track coach Red Estes, a USTFCCCA Hall Of Fame member, penned this ode to the woes of being a collegiate mentor not affiliated with football or basketball ...

 

• The athletes on your team think a lift to the bus station Is a “full ride”

 

• A 7 course pregame meal consists of a Big Mac and a 6-pack of Pepsi

 

• You consider pork & beans gourmet food

 

• Your team gets their haircuts In the training room

 

• Your team's practice jerseys turned inside-out become their game uniforms.

 

• Your fans don't need to have ads in the local media announcing your first home competition. They know because the port-a‑potties have been delivered!

 

• You can't keep score at your home competitions because you ran out of chalk for the chalk board.

 

• Your athletic director found you a great bargain in used training shoes: and those shoes have numbers on the heels.

 

• The hood and one door of your team travel van are different colors from the rest of the van.

 

• Your courtesy car Is a VW bus with a "DELK” sign on the door and a giant roach on the roof.

 

• Your football comp tickets are In the sno-cone booth.

 

• Your travel arrangements Include a map of all the McDonaId's locations along your route and a Motel 6 "We'll Keep The Light On For Ya" 'bonus card from Tom Bodet.

 

• Your coaching bonus for winning the conference championship was having the port-a-pottles pumped in your home facility.

 

• Your equipment manager gives you a 10% discount card at the local Iaundromat for washing your own team’s uniforms.

 

• Your pregame meal for your team is one Col. Sanders Banquet Bonus Bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with 20 napkins.

 

• You have to hit the dashboard on your team travel van to get the light and radio to work.

 

• The RotoRooter man calls for a backup when cleaning out the toilets In your home facility’s bathroom.

 

• Your equipment manager issues safety pins and duct tape with each game uniform.

 

• Your team sleeps 3-to-a-bed on trips.

 

• Your team think that all sport electrolyte replacement drinks are clear and colorless.

 

• Your campus police don't know your athletes by their first names.

 

• You make all team members scrounge aluminum cans at rest stops in case you make the playoffs.

 

• You are only 1000 Pepsi points away from new team uniforms.

 

• You can only use the Athletic Department fax machine after 5:00 and on weekends.

 

• Just after winning the conference championship the President of your athletic booster group asks, "How do you think your team will do this year?"

 

• You hold your team awards banquet at the K-Mart cafeteria on All-You-Can-Eat fish night.

 

• Your trainer tells you to take your injured athlete to a pet shop for a CAT scan.

 

• Your team has been refused service at Taco Bell because of their shirt & shoes rule.

 

• The pay for your assistant coach includes three free full-services checks at the local Jiffy Lube (Including oil change and filter).

 

• Your recruiting budget consists of a Greyhound us credit card, movie pass (matinee only) and a tradeout at the Chow Ling Chinese Takeout Video Arcade.

 

• Your team gets to use the old weight room In the basement of the swimming pool or the varsity weight room any day before 6 a.m.

 

• Your team can't name or identify the Athletic Director.

 

• Going to a garage sale with your team is considered art educational side trip.

 

• You list that your team change uniforms‑‑Jones, change with Smith; Smith change with Johnson; Johnson change with Miller.

 

• Your team is getting its most nutritious meals from the box of stolen fruit at the coach's office.

 

• You get your video equipment from the Warehouse used redemption points catalogue

 

• Your athletes have to do their own telephone registration.

 

• Your athletes don’t receive "life skills" training.

 

• Your comp tickets for the football games are so high In the stadium end zone:

1) the peanut vendor wears an oxygen mask

2) the Goodyear Blimp Is blocking your view of the game

3) scalpers were giving away tickets to your section

4) you can see your car and everybody else's.

 

• The local cable 'TV channel bumped the live coverage of your home contests so they could carry the Dud Light Bare‑Handed Carp Fishing Pro-Am.

 

• Your budget was cut to help finance the latest women's sport—Speed Crocheting.

 

• The letter winners in your sport received a letter opener.

 

• Your team goes to a Salvation Army Thrift Store for school clothes.

 

• The meet transport van is borrowed from the Ag Farm Livestock Judging team.

 

• You have to make sure your team gets to the all‑you‑can‑eat buffet before the price changes to the evening meal.

 

• The team whirlpool consists of a 5-gallon bucket, ice and a stirring stick.

 

• The main slogan In your team's locker reads "Show me something you need—I’ll show you how to get along without it!"

 

• Your team bags are the bright orange bags used by the highway department.

 

• Your team van smokes so much that It helps pay for your trips by using it for a mosquito abatement vehicle.

 

• You get smudges on your recruiting letter from the secretary because her second job Is a maintenance repair mechanic for campus lawn mowers.

 

• You have to move off your own facility for a Tier 1 team.

 

• You have to get treated on the floor of the training room because Tier 1 teams are taking all the space.

 

• Your athletes actually have to attend classes.

 

• You get your training logs from the ROTC Department.

 

• You only have one bathroom for men and women.

 

• Your first aid kit is a band-ald, roll of tape and a dirty Q-tip in a ziplock bag.

 

• Your team's warmup consists of moving cardboard at the recycling center.

 

• Your meal money is a sign saying. “Will work for food!"

 

• Your workouts include, cleaning a Tier 1 sports facility.

 

• You share your training camp with minimum security “trustee” prisoners.

 

• Your team has to use their meal money to gas the vans.

 

• Your team learns outdoor survival and tent maintenance for their overnight trips.

 

• Your athletes actually earn a degree!

 

• Your athletes are happy when they get a meet uniform without yellow armpits.

 

• The locker room keys are more expensive than your uniform.

 

• Your athletes shower at school to save money.

 

• Only the athletes who are going to compete, travel.

 

• Your athletes have to pay for their poster and media guide.

 

• Your athletes wear bookstore reject clothing as warmups.

 

• Your team has to sell (pick one): programs, concessions, souvenirs, foldup seats at football and basketbalI games.

 

• Your media guide consists of a PEE‑Chee folder with a team roster and 2 blank pages for “notes” on "Please Recycle" paper.

 

• Your college president doesn't know who you are.

 

• Your SID doesn't know who you are.

 

• Your AD doesn't know who you are.

 

• Your wife doesn’t know who you are.

 

• Your team warmups consist of cutting a hole In the bottom of trash can liners.

 

• Your equipment man treats you as if he is an INS agent and you are an illegal alien.

 

• Your team's Annual Award's Banquet is held in the locker room.

 

• Your paid officials forget to come to your home contests.

 

• Your are on a first name basis with most of the AAA tow truck drivers in your state.

 

• One of your female athletes tells the trainer that she Is pregnant, and the trainer hands her a bag of ice.

 

• Your major fundraiser loses money.

 

• Your sport was dropped two years ago and you still don't know about it.