A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays ..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
A farmer named Tom was driving his pickup truck, had an accident and was in court, suing the trucking company whose driver was accused of causing the accident. Their fancy lawyer was questioning Tom. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Tom responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . ."
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!?"
Tom said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . " The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Tom's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Tom thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
5. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
6. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
7. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
9. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
10. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
11. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
12. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
13. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
14. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
15. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
16. The Chief of Police is always black.
17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
23. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
24. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
26. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
27. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
28. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
29. It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
30. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
33. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
34. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
35. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
36. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
37. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
38. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
39. Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
40. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
41. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
42. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
43. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
44. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
45. The average hotel pool is deep enough for you to survive a fall from any floor.
46. An Asian crime lord will always have a beautiful daughter named either "Jade" or "Lotus Blossom."
47. Traveling between any two points in New York City will always take you past the Statue of Liberty, Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, and the New York Public Library.
48. By the 23rd Century, everyone in the human race will be beautiful. Humanity will compensate for this by wearing awful clothes.
49. Most dogs are immortal.