New Rules (Bill Maher stuff)


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New Rules (Bill Maher stuff)

Postby gh » Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:50 pm

NEW RULE: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com <http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

NEW RULE: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

NEW RULE: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

NEW RULE: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

NEW RULE: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

NEW RULE: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

NEW RULE: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread. Cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,"ooh, you're a huge asshole.

NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

NEW RULE: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

NEW RULE: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

NEW RULE: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

NEW RULE: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

NEW RULE, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

NEW RULE: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
Last edited by gh on Sat Oct 08, 2005 11:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby dukehjsteve » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:17 pm

Garryo, you're quite the wit !!!
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby lonewolf49 » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:24 pm

What he said. Good stuff.. I frequently have those thoughts.. just not talented enough to write them down..Thanks, Gary
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby measurer » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:29 pm

GH,
You have too much free time. You should get a hobby! Try jogging.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby trig » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:44 pm

Ooh, I was right all along on number 4.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby mojo » Wed Oct 05, 2005 4:20 pm

He didn't write those. I heard Bill Maher say a few of them.
Last edited by mojo on Wed Oct 05, 2005 4:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby MJD » Wed Oct 05, 2005 4:24 pm

"New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back."
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby gh » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:08 pm

Yeah, I should have noted that I didn't write any of that (in fact, I condensed it from the original).
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby trackstar » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:14 pm

NEW RULE: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
>deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

Well what in the hell else would you show - a track meet?
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby paulmerca » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:30 pm

NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in
>it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
>translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual,
>you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
>high.


...and what's the meaning of the tattoo on Alan Webb's arm?

http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib ... s/webb.jpg
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby SQUACKEE » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:34 pm

most of the things in life that have any real value are incredibly hard, not easy to do.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby Pego » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:35 pm

<NEW RULE: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.>

Their commercial rules.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby slowcoach » Wed Oct 05, 2005 10:57 pm

>..and what's the meaning of the tattoo on Alan Webb's
>arm?

He thinks it says, "World's (or Worlds') Greatest miler", but it actually says, "Mr Chang was here".
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby Trackshark » Thu Oct 06, 2005 5:11 am

Archives, some good stuff:

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby SDavis » Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:26 am

You forgot one, GH. NEW RULE: Since drinking and driving don't go together, do your drinking in the morning when you get up. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby tafnut » Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:27 am

>You forgot one, GH. NEW RULE: Since drinking and driving don't go together, >do your drinking in the morning when you get up. Then go driving while the >visibility is still good.<<

?? not so funny to people who have been involved in drinking related accidents.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby SDavis » Thu Oct 06, 2005 12:32 pm

Good point----sorry.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby Bruce Kritzler » Thu Oct 06, 2005 1:37 pm

Why to bars have parking lots(?) if drinking and driving is illegal?
Louisiana has drive through Dacchiri(sp) stops. The straws have a cap, so it is not an open container?
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby ajp » Thu Oct 06, 2005 7:59 pm

VERY GOOD, GARRY! BILL MAHER COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT BETTER.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby BillVol » Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:58 pm

So true on the Starbucks rule! If you're ever at the Starbucks drive-thru behind four teenage girls, forget it. You will be there all day. They will, guaranteed, get the most complicated drinks on the menu and you will be waiting all day for your coffee.

Enjoyed the new rules.
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby BisonHurdler » Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:10 pm

>Why to bars have parking lots(?) if drinking and driving is illegal?



DD's.......
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby gh » Tue Oct 11, 2005 4:37 pm

[quote="paulmerca"]NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in
>it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
>translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual,
>you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
>high.


...and what's the meaning of the tattoo on Alan Webb's arm?>>

"brave" (seriously)
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Re: NEW RULES

Postby JRM » Tue Oct 11, 2005 6:04 pm

BisonHurdler wrote:>Why to bars have parking lots(?) if drinking and driving is illegal?



DD's.......


That might be true for Hooters, but what about other bars?
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