The Bee In Me Ear


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The Bee In Me Ear

Postby twittering debutante » Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:33 pm

All right boys and girls! Gather around! It's story-telling time!

I was finishing up another TD Course (8.6 miles) on a warm August night between my junior and senior years of high school.

This was not an extremely fast run, but I always liked to finish strong to duplicate the last 250 yards of an actual race.

I had just one more block to go before I arrived at my house when ZAP! something hit me on the side of my head. It must have been an insect or a moth or something, because it flew out of some head-high bushes that were next to me in front of Lannon's house.

Summers are humid in the Midwest. It was not uncommon to finish a run with all types of bugs sticking all over my face and arms. Occasionally, I would even inhale or swallow one. But it was never a big deal. Guys in Africa have lions and cheetahs to worry about, so I just considered being an insect magnet part of the regular drill.

I got halfway down the block, toward my house and the finish of the TD Course, when the "thing" started buzzing in my right ear. Darn moth! It was buzzing very loudly and very annoyingly in about twenty-second intervals.

Houston, we have a problem here!

I stopped in front of my house and shook my head violently to encourage whatever was occupying my ear to please leave. This did not work.

It was about 10 PM. Mom and dad were starting to watch the news when I ran into the house exclaiming, "There's something buzzing in my ear! I think it's a moth! It's driving me crazy!" They both nodded, which was about all the communication we engaged in back in those days.

I ran into the bathroom and stuffed my head into the sink filled with water.

I'll just drown the sucker!

Wrong. This turned out to be a critical mistake.

I went back into the living room. The insect was still buzzing in my ear at regular intervals, and I tried to convince my parents that I had a serious medical problem. Mom and dad were never great instant decision makers. I was not getting much of a response from either of them.

Finally, as most sixteen-year-olds are wont to do, I just lost it.

"All right! If you don't believe me, I'll just run down to the emergency room MYSELF and I'll say I'm dad! I'll have them send the bill to you in YOUR name!"

With that, my father reluctantly pulled himself up from the couch and said he'd take me to the hospital.

Once we arrived at the emergency room, I had to fill out all kinds of documents stating the nature of my injury. "Have insect buzzing around in right ear--maybe a moth????" I wrote.

It was a busy night. We had to wait about an hour before my name was called. Finally, a nurse motioned me to the examination area.

The first doctor to meet with me was an intern. He had enough medical training to look into my ear with the special lighted eye, ear, and nose instrument to say, "Yep. There definitely is SOMETHING buzzing around your ear."

Exit intern.

The next doctor was a real doctor, not a make-believe doctor one sees on TV. He looked into my ear and then he paused for a moment to collect himself.

"You don't have a MOTH buzzing around your ear! You have a BEE buzzing around your ear!" he proclaimed.

"And not only do you have a bee buzzing around your ear," he continued, peering into the special lighted eye, ear, and nose instrument, "but you have ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR... FIVE... SIX... SEVEN... EIGHT... NINE... TEN... ELEVEN... TWELVE... THIRTEEN... FOURTEEN eggs inside your ear!"

"Eggs?"

The doctor explained that the female bee released its eggs inside my ear as a "natural release" because she was trapped and undoubtedly scared.

Darn females!

I rolled my head over on the pillow and an egg actually fell out onto the pillow for us all to marvel at. It was about the size of a pinhead.

It was all too much for me to comprehend. I was just running a TD Course, and now I'm some kind of medical freak.

The doctor left me alone and drew the curtain around me.

Soon, about five nurses from fifth floor maternity came down on their break and they, too, checked the bee out through the special lighted eye, ear, and nose instrument.

Having five nurses drape their boobs right over my sixteen-year-old face and make a big fuss over me was probably the highlight of my life up until then.

Someone went down to the hospital cafeteria to retrieve some olive oil. Once the olive oil was poured into my ear, the buzzing stopped. The doctors explained to me how olive oil has special acidic qualities to perform such a fatal task.

The next problem was getting the deceased bee out of my ear. The doctors explained to me that when I stuck my head into the sink, the water pressure forced the bee into my ear canal as far as it could go. It was way in there.

The medical experts then showed me a long, stainless steel pointy instrument, much like a very sharp pencil. They said they were going to try to stab the bee and pluck it right out of there.

Before I had a chance to protest, people were holding me down and whispering, "This may hurt for a second," and someone jabbed the pointy needle-like thing into my ear.

It hurt like fucking hell. I was screaming so loudly, people in the parking lot could have heard me. Try jamming a pencil in YOUR ear, buddy! Wouldn't people back in the Stone Age have tried the same technique using a sharp stick? What kind of medicine is going on here???

The attempts failed. Nothing came out. The doctors were disgusted with their lack of success, and I was disgusted with their caveman approach to the problem.

They drew the curtains around me again. I lay there on the gurney for about an hour. Occasionally, I could hear people talking about me, and about what they should do next.

Finally, around 1 AM, a doctor told me they were going to surgically remove the bee using local anesthesia. This would involve shaving half of my head. I was not too keen about the idea. School was starting in a couple more weeks, and I didn't like the idea of showing up on the first day looking like I'd been receiving chemotherapy all summer.

"Can you just send me home?" I pleaded wimpily. "Maybe tomorrow it will just fall out on its own."

The doctors finally agreed it would be OK for me to go home and get some sleep. I had to promise I would visit my family physician first thing in the morning. They made it clear that were the bee to decompose in my ear, it could cause an infection that could turn into a very serious life-threatening situation.

At 8 AM, I was in my doctor's office with my mother. He made a few attempts to stab the bee with the sharp pointy metal instrument, and he actually pulled out part of a wing. I think my family doctor was more successful because I trusted him and I felt a little more relaxed.

My family physician referred me to an eye, ear, nose, and throat specialist at Evanston Hospital. I knew the surgery would take place there, and it was a grim ride.

Most of the guys my doctor would refer me to for other running-related injuries were wealthy old doctor farts from his country club. I was surprised to discover this new doctor at Evanston Hospital was only about twenty-six, a young hippie dude in a Hawaiian shirt.

He had a barber's chair (very cool!) in the middle of his office. When I asked him if he ever had a case like mine before, he said he had people with insects crammed inside sensitive orifices coming to his office all day long.

The doctor told me to sit in the chair, so I did.

Then he began digging through his cabinets, looking for something. Finally, he found an ashtray and he gave it to me with instructions to hold it on my shoulder below my bee-inhabited ear.

Now, this was not a stainless steel, sterilized, medical hospital ashtray. It was just a freakin' ashtray!

Next, he dug through his cabinets and shelves some more, looking for something else. He finally found what he was looking for--a squirt gun.

Now, this was not a stainless steel, sterilized, medical squirt gun. It was just a freakin' squirt gun, the type one would buy at Target or Wal Mart! Bright orange!

The doctor loaded the squirt gun up with water.

"This might tickle a little. Try not to giggle too much."

Before I knew what was happening, he was squirting water in my ear.

The bee slid out and fell into the ashtray, as did the eggs.

Total time elapsed: ten seconds.

That is the story about the bee in me ear.
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Postby dukehjsteve » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:57 pm

If there is ever a story that deserves a TAFNIE this sure is it ! Hilarious and Great !!!
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Postby SQUACKEE » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:59 pm

wow!!! thank you! ive eaten alot of bugs but never had one try to make me their breeding ground. thats a once in a life time event. givin some of your posts are you sure they got all the eggs? thats a joke.
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Postby bad hammy » Sun Dec 04, 2005 7:14 am

Oh, and you think your little story is just so special you had to start your own thread, instead of burying it in the Running Injuries thread? Thought it might get overlooked while the rest of us turn that thread into a discussion of how to injure yourself sleeping?? Phhhttt . ..

Actually, it is a pretty damn good story. I’m allergic to bee stings, so I would have been freaking big time. I’ll have to remember the olive oil & squirt gun parts if it ever happens to me. I second the TAFNY nomination.
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Re: The Bee In Me Ear

Postby EPelle » Sun Dec 04, 2005 7:23 am

2005 TAFNIES hopeful wrote:The doctor explained that the female bee released its eggs inside my ear as a "natural release" because she was trapped and undoubtedly scared.

I have heard of dogs dumping as they quiver... cats spraying in self-defence... red ants stinging the heck out of you when they get mad.

But a bee crapping in one:s ear is the first - and hopefully last - time I have come across something this interesting.
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Postby twittering debutante » Sun Dec 04, 2005 7:59 am

I already have a full room of TAFNYs. Sometimes it is good to give without expecting anything in return. TAFNYs take a lot of time to dust and polish, too.
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Postby tafnut » Sun Dec 04, 2005 8:10 am

twittering debutante wrote:TAFNYs take a lot of time to dust and polish, too.


I wouldn't know . . . :cry:

Perhaps you could spare an extra one . . . I'd take very good care of it!
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Postby mojo » Sun Dec 04, 2005 8:36 am

Another wonderful story TD. You need to publish a book, "Twitterings from a Debutante" perhaps?

I have cleared the mantel of all my Olympic medals to make room for the many TAFNYs coming my way this year. :D 8)
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Postby SQUACKEE » Sun Dec 04, 2005 9:12 am

tafnut wrote:
twittering debutante wrote:TAFNYs take a lot of time to dust and polish, too.


I wouldn't know . . . :cry:

Perhaps you could spare an extra one . . . I'd take very good care of it!


didnt you get a lifetime acheivement award for... well...um

generating a lifetime of posts in 3 years! :P
Last edited by SQUACKEE on Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby tafnut » Sun Dec 04, 2005 9:18 am

SQUACKEE wrote:didnt you get a liftime acheivement award for... well...um
generating a lifetime of post in 3 years! :P


Yeah, I SHOULDA got one at 10,000, but management was asleep at the wheel then. Maybe at 20,000 :shock:
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Postby SQUACKEE » Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:34 am

tafnut wrote:
SQUACKEE wrote:didnt you get a liftime acheivement award for... well...um
generating a lifetime of post in 3 years! :P


Yeah, I SHOULDA got one at 10,000, but management was asleep at the wheel then. Maybe at 20,000 :shock:


hey tafnut, why did you miss spell my quote when my original was perfect. what would make a man do a thing like that. what the hell is a liftime? ive never made fun of you. :roll: :wink:
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Postby tafnut » Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:26 am

SQUACKEE wrote:hey tafnut, why did you miss spell [misspell] my quote [comma missing] when my original was perfect.[?] [W]hat would make a man do a thing like that.[?] [W]hat the hell is a liftime? ive [I've] never made fun of you. [egregiously erroneous statement] :roll: :wink:


Squack - you know I love you, man, but seriously, dude, you spell exactly like EVERY other artist I know, which is to say . . . how shall I put this? . . . in your own special way. :D

Even though I'm the TOE, spelling on this forum really ain't no big deal, and I's kin take it or leave it as it is.

I'd rather have your spelling/grammar-challenged posts than 1000 of some of the other ones that are pedagogically perfect.

Keep on keeping it real, baby! 8)
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Postby SQUACKEE » Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:32 am

tafnut wrote:
SQUACKEE wrote:hey tafnut, why did you miss spell [misspell] my quote [comma missing] when my original was perfect.[?] [W]hat would make a man do a thing like that.[?] [W]hat the hell is a liftime? ive [I've] never made fun of you. [egregiously erroneous statement] :roll: :wink:


Squack - you know I love you, man, but seriously, dude, you spell exactly like EVERY other artist I know, which is to say . . . how shall I put this? . . . in your own special way. :D

Even though I'm the TOE, spelling on this forum really ain't no big deal, and I's kin take it or leave it as it is.

I'd rather have your spelling/grammar-challenged posts than 1000 of some of the other ones that are pedagogically perfect.

Keep on keeping it real, baby! 8)


thanx nut- butt itz imbaresin cuz i knowd to ah moe critecall persens i appperr under edjewkated. if id know id be posting messages for all the world to laugh at i might have paid more attention in class...NOT!
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Postby mojo » Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:38 am

But I taught him how to spell the most important word in his universe.
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Postby SQUACKEE » Sun Dec 04, 2005 12:45 pm

mojo wrote:But I taught him how to spell the most important word in his universe.


and without your loving tuturing i even mispelled that! im pathetic. i know track though so lets get it on!!!
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Postby mojo » Sun Dec 04, 2005 12:50 pm

SQUACKEE wrote:
mojo wrote:But I taught him how to spell the most important word in his universe.


and without your loving tuturing i even mispelled that! im pathetic. i know track though so lets get it on!!!



it's" luving" remember.

And let's not! :wink:
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Postby lonewolf » Sun Dec 04, 2005 3:40 pm

I believe it was Samuel Clemens who once said he little regard for the literary talents of a man who only knew one way to spell a word.
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Postby big mac » Sun Dec 04, 2005 8:15 pm

Someone flicked a piece of eraser at me and it went straight into my right ear, that freaked me out, but it fell out after a short while. Having an ovulating bee in my ear would freak me the hell out!
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Postby JRM » Sun Dec 04, 2005 9:08 pm

Hey Twitter,

FYI, based on the subject title, I couldn't help reading your post in a Gaelic burr, with the "Irish Washer Woman" tune playing in my head. :wink:
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Postby EPelle » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:45 am

big mac wrote:Someone flicked a piece of eraser at me and it went straight into my right ear, that freaked me out, but it fell out after a short while. Having an ovulating bee in my ear would freak me the hell out!


The different levels of freak-out:

:: That was cool
:: Wow, that was freaky
:: That freaked me out
:: That freaked me the hell out
:: That was way freakin freaky
:: That was totally freakin nuts, dude
:: I was like, freaked out, half to death

:-)
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Postby Pego » Tue Dec 06, 2005 5:52 am

big mac wrote:Someone flicked a piece of eraser at me and it went straight into my right ear, that freaked me out, but it fell out after a short while. Having an ovulating bee in my ear would freak me the hell out!


Which ear did it fall out of :) ?
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