How to Speak to a Human Being


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How to Speak to a Human Being

Postby Bob H » Mon Nov 28, 2005 7:56 am

Are you frustrated by telephone menus that require you to say or press numbers and that make it difficult or even impossible to speak to a real human being?

http://www.paulenglish.com/ivr
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Postby tafnut » Mon Nov 28, 2005 8:50 am

Thanks - That's a huge pet peeve of mine - I just keep hitting 0 (zero) or # till I either get someone or the computer hangs up on me. 'Service' companies HAVE to understand (but apparently don't) that SERVICE entails having SOMEONE who can actually answer questions!!
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Postby EPelle » Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:19 am

I:ve heard this referred to as 'Voice-mail jail'
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Postby Pego » Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:14 pm

Years ago, as our clinic was considering such an automated system, I was loudly booed for suggesting "if you are calling to schedule a procto, press 5" :shock: :D
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Postby EPelle » Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:36 pm

(May have read this before, but you opened the door)...


The Psychiatric Hotline

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.

If you are borderline, it doesn't matter which number you press-- no one will answer.

If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.

If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.
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