Translating English

[EPelle]

What they did not teach me in USA school system:

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH!!

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I:m sorry = you:ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don:t want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I:m beautiful
Do what you want = you:ll pay for this later
I:m not upset = Of course I:m upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you:re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You:re so... Manly = you need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I:m going to ask for something expensive
It:s your decision = the correct decision should be obvious by now
You:re certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about??
I:ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you:re really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

I:m hungry = I:m hungry
I:m sleepy = I:m sleepy
I:m tired = I:m tired
Nice dress = Great T_ts!
I love you = let:s have sex now
I:m bored = Do you want to have sex?
What:s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we:d better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I:d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I:d eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I:d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I:d eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
Let:s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
I don:t think those shoes go with that outfit = __________

Thankfully my wife and I speak the same language.

[tafnut]

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
I don:t think those shoes go with that outfit = __________

That means:

"I'm gay, but I still want to have sex with you."

[EPelle]

(Internet site):

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hot-dog, you can be pretty sure it isn’t canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French Fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore it paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pigs Are neither from Guinea nor are they a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose. 2 meese? Is cheese the plural of chose?

One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it , but when I wind up this essay I end it?

English is a silly language………..It doesn’t know if it’s coming or going!!!!

[tafnut]

I'm baffled by the fact that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. . . that invaluable means MORE valuable, that inhuman is humans being bad. and intolerant means NOT tolerant.

[SQUACKEE]

I'm baffled by the fact that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. . . that invaluable means MORE valuable, that inhuman is humans being bad. and intolerant means NOT tolerant.

how could you teach this crap!! your teaching insanity, which is sanity gone horribly wrong.